There is a long list of things I don’t “get” about online dating. Like why I receive stacks on stacks of messages from guys old enough to be my dad, despite stating a clear preference for men my own age. On the other side of that why the other messages I get seem to be from well meaning undergrads, some of whom can’t even legally buy me a drink; again despite a stated preference for men my own age. Which brings me to my next item, why are you on a dating website in college? (Internet dating is set up for massive judgement more than any reality TV show, so I’m letting my vice flag fly and judging away.) I could go ten rounds on this topic, and still have more to say, but there is one item that looms larger than the rest on my list my cantankerous complaints. I wonder why on earth anyone thinks that writing a message that brashly and rudely questions or insults one of my listed interests will get you anywhere?
It strikes me that the point of online dating is to get a date. Intuitively this means striking up some kind of a conversation with someone else. Now, maybe I’m just getting old, and out of touch with the world, but I’d like to think that at 24 I’m not quite obsolete yet. I have always found that questioning a person’s intelligence, interests, or hobbies is really not the best way to approach making friends or getting dates. If you really feel that said person is stupid, shallow, or boring why bother trying to be friends in the first place?
So it baffles me that I get several messages a week asking why I would waste my time thinking about Kanye West (first off, that was a joke. Test one failed), or telling me my taste in food is disgusting and unfathomably gross. I don’t mean to say two people who disagree over whether pickles have a place on grilled cheese (they do) can’t be friends or be in a relationship (they maybe can. Maybe.) What I am questioning is why would you think that as someone who enjoys said food, or hobby, or music, or (insert item of preference here) your reaction of saying “Nuh- uh, no way, not ever, how could you think such a thing is enjoyable” is going to make me say “now here is an individual I want to get to know.”
Clearly you must have copious hours on hand to waste so much time and energy writing me a message that does nothing but disparage my interests. COOL STORY BRO - thanks for your opinion! I’ll keep in mind that you think I’m shallow next time I’m in the bathtub sobbing into my wine glass wondering how I’m single. HOW WRONG AM I! To think that I spend any time considering Kanye West - what a shallow ignoramus must I be, thank you, superior being, for showing me the error of my ways with your extreme condescension and arrogance.
That, by the way, was the effective use of the worlds lowest form of wit. Were any of you attempting to be sarcastic or facetious in your blatant disgust for the items I’ve listed as REASONS YOU SHOULD BE INTERESTED IN ME OR MIGHT WANT TO TALK TO ME, not only did you fail, it wasn’t funny.Take this recent charmer;
“why would you spend your time thinking about Kanye west lol?”
Nothing gets me going like poorly written one liners dripping with condescension - you got me. How can I resist such a brilliant mind, implying that I am shallow, wasting my time, and brain power on Kanye West? How have I managed to live without you these many years without you, my small minded knight in shining tinfoil?
Sorry to disappoint the haters hoping to send me into a fit of drunk and dramatic bathtub tears, in the hopes my self esteem will fall so low I can’t resist their macho red neck charms. I’ll be staying with with my cat boyfriend, our bottle of 3 buck chuck, and Keeping Up with the Kardashians for now; and instead of wondering what is wrong with all of you, wondering what is wrong with me that I continue to log into my OkCupid account.
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